I don't have that much to say this week...
I am worn down because The Mayor is three.
So far, three is hard.
He is so defiant... and yet transparent in a somewhat endearing way.
He acts out, blatantly disregarding K and I.
[If he knew about his middle finger he'd be using it.]
His struggle against us is maddening, but...
I understand that he's trying to find his own power and agency, reaching blindly for the borders and boundaries of his personhood.
In my finer moments I feel compassion for him.
Compassion...
I was driving the other day and I saw a bumber sticker that said,
Compassion is the Best Revenge
What does that mean?
Is that right?
Can compassion and revenge share the same space?
[And should I consider a bumper sticker a good source for parenting advice?]
Explain it to me.
I need to center my three year old tolerance chakras or something...
Guru Man Hands
63 comments:
Your blog is very interesting!
Please, send me the photo of your computer desk.
I'll publish on my blog!.
And if you want link me your blog, so I’ll publish on mine.
EMAIL: pcdesktop1@gmail.com
OPPS! I misspelled a lot of words...so I had to delete it. Here ya go!
Personally, I get the best advice from those PSA's on TV. You know...the ones with the celebrity telling me how to be real, what matters most in life & how to be a good parent.
I think it translates to "Kill them with Kindness."
Not literally or anything. Threes are already literal enough. ;-)
where is there a nice hotel in your area? ; )
It's really that he's challenging your 1st and 3rd chakras in the pursuit of developing his own power center....
Yeah, 3 kind of sucked for little D, but he's way mouthy-er and annoying as a 4.
being nice when someone is deliberately being mean to you is taking all of their fun away. people who are mean on purpose get their kicks by your being hurt. if you are nice back to them, they see you aren't hurt and are confused and unsatisfied.
my wife is ESPECIALLY good at this. (at turning the other cheek, not at being mean.)
I think it means when someone is angry, they want others to fight back so that their anger can be fueled...some people seem to get off on that.
But if you show compassion instead, you're not allowing the angry person to be fed what they want...confrontation.
I think Bob said it more succinctly than I did.
Excuse me for talking out of my ass, LOL.
Personally, I think Revenge deserves it's very own place in the universe. I do agree with another comment about, "Killing with Kindness" I think it infuriates the meany trying to get a rise out of you.
When a Salesperson gets really lippy and loud I usually get really soft and quiet and then they look so foolish for being so hostile.
FYI if you think 3 is hard you better take a sabbatical before 4, it is like 3 just they are smarter.
Be compassionate all you want, but he still has to behave, mostly. He's just checking to see if you will let him have cotton candy for dinner and stay up all night.
wow. wait til he's 13! lol...
Please tell me that the Mayor has only just started this recently ... and that my kid is just starting the same thing early ... at just under TWO. I have a sneaky feeling that what we're experiencing is TWO and that THREE is way worse! I guess I have a year to work my way up to it.
Yeah 3? Waaaay worse than 2. And 5 isn't looking too promising either.
Yeah, I think what the bumper sticker is saying...the kill them with kindness thing.
What the hell did you do to that photo? OMG. lmao
I got two teen daughters I will swap for your 3 year old son. Deal?
The bumper sticker means the person drining the car in a nut.
It makes sense to me.
Like the others said, don't engage and feed anger, kill with kindness all that.
But then again, I am having my rear kicked daily by 2.5 and 5.5 and lost sleep last night so...eh, take MO FWIW, LOL.
I think in parenting you take the wisdom wherever you can get it.
Oh yeah, three is hard. No longer a toddler, yet not yet a little boy. And that's confusing for both of you! My best advice, is...pick your battles. If it doesn't matter it's not worth fighting over. Kids don't like feeling powerless any better than we do, so let him have some power sometimes. Then, when you reall have to put your foot down, he'll likely be more agreeable.
And hey...kingergarten is only two years away. ;?)
'Compassion is the Best Revenge.' Wait - compassion, revenge, revenge, compassion, best - this is like a brain teaser. Or is Bossy just ready for the weekend?
Maybe kill them with kindness. I have found the meanies always trip on their own nastiness eventually. I don't have to be overtly kind to them while waiting for their fall.
Having just yesterday had to chase my tantruming toddler around the inside (yes inside) of my truck so he wouldn't fry his little fanny in the desert heat, I understand compassion, which I translate as the tantrum having some time alone with its owner (inside the air conditioned house) until blows itself out.
I agree with Jen, three is hell, 4 is a different universe.
You will get lots of this this year...
YES! I! WILL! WATCH! A! VIDEO! MAMA!
(with pointer finger)
HA, HA!!!
Three is HARD! Brenna will be four in one month and I tell myself (naively) that it HAS to be easier. Doe the mayor roll his eyes yet? And the arm crossing? Screaming (after you've said, "here's the deal") "I WANT A NEW DEAL!!! GIVE ME CHOICES!!!"
It does wear on one's patiences. To be sure.
i started cheering Jake's fits on. He'd throw himself on the floor and i would clap and cheer and say things like "yay! look at you throwing a fit! c'mon do it some more! throw a fit throw a fit!" it totally pisses him off, but there are a lot less fits!
now as for the killing with kindness...i have a fantastic story that I shall share with you someday...
Perhaps I'm just on my bitchy edge today(and by perhaps, I mean raging hormone bitchy), but killing people with kindness usually strikes me as passive aggressive bullshit most days.
Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Try not to be mean for no reason.
And no, I don't see compassion and revenge going together unless you are really good at being fake. Having compassion for someone should never depend on how it will effect the other person. That's sort of the crux of compassion.
I'll go back to my skulking now.
Are you telling me that it gets worse?
Noooooooooooo!
I think that bumper sticker is great advice. It's based on a scripture that is basically being kind to your enemies is like heaping hot coals upon their head. Sometimes flipping the bird just makes you feel better. :)
3 is hard. Hang in there.
Hi OTJ,
Love your blog and have enjoyed it for months! This post brings me out of lurkdom because I just read something last night that addresses your question. The latest Vanity Fair has an article by Bill Clinton about his experiences with Nelson Mandela.
When he asked Mandela how on Earth he was able to make his former jailers part of his new government, Mandela says "...if I continued to hate them, they would still have me. I wanted to be free and so I let it go."
Clinton makes that point that we'd all be a lot happier if we could follow his example.
Compassion as revenge? I don't know about that. I think the best revenge is when our children grow up and have children that behave badly. THAT is a day I cannot wait for.
You know, if three is worse than two, I will not live to see 40.
Bank on it.
My mom always used to say, "You kill more flies with honey than you do with vinegar."
She's right, in most cases, but not where my two-year-old Wrecking Ball is concerned.
I feel you, Jessica. I fucking FEEEEEEEEEL you.
ah...three...i remember it fondly...only not so much. they talk terrible twos, but they don't warn you about the threes!
Three, oh three. I was never so happy as the day my oldest stopped being three.
Yeah, everyone talks about the terrible twos...but everyone forgets about the threes! I think we had more trouble at 3 than at 2. I promise it gets better around 5! (mostly) *lol*
Again, I have a little girl who would LOVE to meet this little tyke you describe. Maybe give him a run for his money, too! lol
I think that, too. I get so frustrated, and then I think, this is her testing out where she begins and I end. And, in the long run, it's what will allow her to leave home and pursue her dreams (and leave us with an empty nest and lots of travelling to do! Woohoo!).
Not to be all introspective or anything.
Caompassion and revenge are like Beauty. It is all in the eyes of the beholder.
Really funny picture this time, J. I'm down with Canape. I think that bumper sticker may be pointing to someone on a high horse who is smug over what they believe is their advanced state of existence.
"Look at me! I'm so in tune with the universe that I can pity those of you who aren't!"
It reminds me of "Living well is the best revenge," except that it's got a sinister embedded social hierarchy.
I prefer: Magic Happens
well, not really, but I can't think of a good one.
OMG, three is totally kicking my butt, too. It's like living with a bad liar with a mood disorder. And then sometimes like living with my own fan club, right there in his Buzz Lightyear pajamas.
I have zero to say on the chakras, other than I verily believe that outside is my friend. My good, good, heavy sleep inducing, tantrum reducing friend. Other than being all hot and nasty, and non-conducive to horizontal parenting.
I get all my advice from bumper stickers. Doesn't everyone?
Not liking hearing that three is hard. Not liking that at all.
That reminds me of a saying my grandmother had. "If someone hurts you...bake them a cake." And she took it very literally. She baked lots of cakes in her life.
My mom once told me, "Nothing positive is derived from anger...the greatest revenge is kindness." While I understand the meaning of that, I don't agree whole-heartedly.
There are occasions in my life when I reacted in anger - in a way that I never would have under normal circumstances. Sometimes it takes anger to bring out strength inside us.
However, when it comes to my wild child, anger is sometimes my only control. It is very ironic that Super Dad and I had a conversation about this last night. B responds to Super Dad in ways that I dream of. There isn't that defiance that I see when it's just the two of us. Super Dad controls his will, yet doesn't break his spirit.
I, on the other hand - show much compassion - and in turn, Super B runs over me like a Mac Truck.
3 was very hard for my daughter and I. I find that if I give her compassion, it helps my attitude to be better, so she doesn't feed off of me. Plus then she realizes she doesn't have a reason to be grouching. She's five now and life is much better.
THAT is a great picture...
It's better than the child-rearing advice I got off a bumper sticker today. "Start SEEING motorcycles!" What the hell am I supposed to do with that?
Huh. I always thought living well was the best revenge.
Besides, your revenge must wait until he's grown up and has a three-year-old of his own to deal with. Then you can lean back and giggle maniacally as he pulls all his hair out.
Heh.
Actually, there you go. Just imagine that sweet, sweet someday, and you'll feel SO much better.
;)
I think that from age 3 until about 23 we're in for quite a ride as parents. The first two years were like training wheels. Now we've got to do all we can not to crash and burn ...
So far, I've found 5 the hardest! So glad we're into 6 now!
I am concerned that I don't understand a bumper sticker. I thought I was smarter than that.
YOU MEAN IT GETS WORSE?
I need a drink.
I agree with the "Kill em with kindess" and "catch more flies with honey" (my mom always told us that one).
In our house, compassion means using a calm quiet voice when Sweet Boy has made me the most livid. It means not turning the present time into a teachable moment but instead waiting until Sweet Boy has cooled down and is available for learning. And it means biting my tongue a lot.
This is what I strive for. Most days I feel like I've failed miserably.
If I ever had a tolerance chakra, it dried up a long time ago!
I think it's along the same lines as, "It's better to have pity than scorn." I always try to remember that when I'm feeling scornful.
As someone who has just survived the third year of my son's life, I am with you. No one tells you about the "terrible three's," huh?
'Compassion is the Best Revenge.' Because it drives everyone CRAZY!!
The Mayor is Three. He's ruling his world as best he can! Just remember . . . he's just one of the little angels from heaven!!! (Keep telling yourself that!!)
I saw a bumper sticker that said "Shit happens" Can I say that on here?
some of the comments you get kill me.
Also? Bumper stickers are meant to cover an ugly bumper, not raise a beautiful child....not that you were seriously asking
I think every age sucks once they can talk which means they can talk back and give dirty looks.
Three was freaky stylie. I wanted to send kidlet back. Oh and Come See Me!
I think "Visualize Whirled Peas" will be a LOT easier to explain to the Mayor...
Compassion is not meant for revenge... it just happens by accident, right? People aren't compassionate to get back at me, right? Am I subconsciously seeking revenge when I am compassionate to otherwise undeserving folks? OH MY, you've ruined me!
Just kidding! I think jakelliesmom's got it right!
I guess you are telling me that my sweet little boy won't be compliant forever? Sorry it's been rough so far in the 3's.
I've always like "Visualize whirled peas." THat's a bumper sticker I can get behind. Better to visualize them than eat them, I always say. If the Mayor refuses to eat peas I stand behind him 100%. I used to swallow them one at a time with milk like aspirin when I was a kid.
By the way, who is Frank and why does he want you to send him a picture of your computer desk? Is that some kind of veiled sexual reference? (Hey Baby, send me a picture of your computer desk wearing a park ranger's hat..)
Three is SO hard. I told my mother that, she argued with me. She took my 3 y.o. for a week in the summer, day 2 she called me and admitted that 3 *was* harder than 2. Good luck with it, we'll be out of the 3s in a few short months and I can see things slowly getting better.
Hmmm...I think it depends where you put the emphasis, on the compassion or on the revenge. But interesting to contemplate.
And yes, bumper stickers are as good a source of parenting advice as, really, anywhere else.
Ah, 3...never a dull moment, friend. What an amazing and annoying time of discovery and self. He's going through it, too! LOL. Honestly, I've seen a big change the closer he gets to 4, and 2 was really not so bad. There are disadvantages to having smart kids, sometimes!
I have to ask...what do you use to superimpose your family's faces onto pictures??? I've been wondering this for a while...
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