Here at The House of Joy we have been known to rely on The Horizontal Parenting Method.
Until last Saturday, we reserved this double-top-secret bit of parenting genius for our own children.
But on Saturday we went to a birthday party for a friend's son who turned one.
There is wonderful, large playroom on the second floor of this friend's house and somehow, despite being exhausted, I ended up being the sole adult in the playroom with six toddlers while all the other grown ups drank beers in the backyard.
[Marscaponing short end of the stick...]
I commenced to horizontal parenting and got comfortable flat on my back.
The six toddlers were busy tapping on the front of a goldfish tank.
"Hey, you over there! No tapping on the tank!" I muttered without moving.
[SO EFFECTIVE this horizontal parenting.]
The moment after I released a rather enormous (and quite fluffy) air biscuit (of the most smelly variety), the playroom door opened and the father of the twin girls left in my charge stepped into the room.
Though busted, I didn't sit up.
Dude, check out my awesome horizontal parenting skillz!
IM WATCHN UR CHLDRNZ!!!
He rushed back down the stairs and sent reinforcements.
Within seconds there were three other moms up there.
[About time, eh?]
[Of course they had to spend the first five minutes checking butts to try to identify which child was poopy while I remained horizontal and played dumb about the smell.]
Shame? What's that?
Meanwhile, The Rooster entertained herself with the most hideous baby doll ever.
The doll maker should seriously consider attending a Polyfill Stuffers Anonymous meeting.
Roo asked me to help her get said FAT BABY into a toy stroller.
I am not kidding, I had to GRUNT to get FAT BABY in (though I did not have to get up.)
"Roo, that is one fat baby! What have you been feeding her? Avocados?" I asked.
Just the day before Roo ate nearly the entire bowl of guacamole offered before dinner.
Anyway, Rooster obviously thought FAT BABY would enjoy eating avocados and decided to play "Feed The Baby."
Right there, in front of all the other moms, she reached out, grabbed my boobs, harvested them, yelled "AVOCADOS!" and fed them to FAT BABY.
74 comments:
Your kids.......I tell ya. Too gawd darn funny. They get it honestly though. You know that right?
You see..this is where I feel your pain. Yesterday at a christening...SF decided to LICK my CLEAVAGE for the world to see...at the restaurant we were eating at...
Like she does it all the time. Natural occurance. What the?
My dog is going to be glad when there is a kid around to help take the misplaced blame of stink.
My son was a very early talker and he nursed until he was nearly two - he'd march up to me in public and demand "I want boobs! Undo your buttons!" which stopped phasing me after a while, but always shocked onlookers.
They're just prudish.
There isn't much I can say to that except...((SNORT))...
Too funny.
It's nice to know your kids are gonna be as funny as you are.
The world needs more comedians.
awesome! I cant wait to have you over to sarah's party!
I can always count on you, J, to lighten and brighten my morning! This was so freaking funny.
mmm... biscuit...
(no wait... eww...)
mmm... avocados...
(no wait... that ain't right either...)
mmm... funny...
(there, that's better.)
lol. That was too funny:)
My face hurts now - too. much. hilarity! Damned avacados.
thanks for the laugh this morning. I'll have to try your technique. So I lay down? Right?
Um... I feel I should appologize ...or something. I eat avocados ALL THE TIME. I had no idea where they came from...
oh...wow. you've got to be kidding...oh wait..that's the beauty of it, isn't it.
I love the horizontal parenting tips - you could market it, hit up the morning shows.
Thanks for the laugh.
Well played, Rooster, well played.
What is it about group situations that makes some parents slack? My sister-in-law (and lots of others we know) seem to think that just because a lot of people are around that her kids are being looked after. Just at Easter I noticed that they were outside running around in a corn field unsupervised (the older kids were doing their own mischief) for about 20 minutes while SIL was inside socializing.
I'm always right there at other people's houses. You never know about their child proofing or breakables. Usually my husband and I position ourselves at opposite ends of the house so that we keep an eye on her, yet still give her freedom.
Horizontal parenting sounds great. I have been trying to do a little of that in my huge pregnant state.
Please write another post giving us a quick description and how-to's!
Harvested the avacados?? That is so great -- and the graphics to boot.
Hi there - I came by to thank you for checking out my "Rise and Shine" challenge. I know you claim not to look so swell in the AM but I just looked at your profile picture and you are ADORABLE!
"Horizontal Parenting"...Now THERE'S a term I'm going to tuck away for future use!
oooh...i am SUCH a fan of this horizontal parenting!
Oh no she didn't!!!!
Carrie
I think my fiance has done that too, but without the yelling "AVOCADOS" part. But most definitely with the in public part.
No skin off my back. I didnt eat the guacamole because I was saving room for gumbo.
Besides, double dipping is nothing compared to what happened at Friday Afternoon Club the week before (more on that to come)...
Priceless.
I will add this to the "new things I learn every day" list.
Thank you.
What? Your boobs don't look like a pair of large, dimply, chock full o' fatty acid goodness, GREEN vegetables? Mine do.
OK -THAT is funny. Do you have a patent on the horizontal parenting? Because I think the House of Jenny-Talia may be practicing that without a license...you better double-check.
It's pretty bad when your husband farts then blames it on the baby...yeah, he's sexy like that.
I have been practicing horizontal parenting myself lately.
I don't think it gets the credit it deserves.
Nothing better than a child to blame the stench on......
Too funny!
Horizontal Parenting is better than no parenting at all.
Shame??? I don't know that word. Once upon a time, i used to mod young minds as a teacher of first grade. Sometimes, a teacher needs to break wind. When they are silent, it's perfect. I have been known to walk around the classroom saying, "Who did a stinky?" knowing darn well who did it!
Oh man, I've let the blame for certain smells go to babypoop once or twice. Right there with ya.
I love horizontal parenting. I'm a big practicer myself, so I'm totally going to steal your term (with appropriate linky love) at a later time.
The great thing about having kids around all the time is the freedom to fart and pass the blame!
See? Now this is why it's good to have toddlers around. You can feel free to let one rip and them blame it on the wee ones.
beautiful. I looking for some gaseous humor to pick me up in the middle of the afternoon.
Horizontal homeschooling will commence as soon as room time is over. Thanks for the tip.
all class, you are. i could tell.
horizontal parenting is how i deal with early mornings. hell, i'm there. i'm semi-conscious (and frequently a source of bad smells, too). there's nothing electrical within his reach. what more could one ask?
of course, my offspring hasn't yet tried to share my avocadoes with the world.
lolcatz references give me unreasonable pleasure, btw. i don't know why.
Niiiice.
And about the not owning up to the smell thing? Think of it this way-how many times has it been one of your kids, and everybody around you thought it was you? So you're totally owed.
WAY to get the pahtee stahted!!YOU go Avocado Woman! MY son gently slaps my "avocados" like they are bongos, as I push him through the grocery store in the cart..
MMMM...avacados...will never look the same to me again.
MMMM...avacados...will never look the same to me again.
Hey there...nice to meet you! I enjoy horizontal parenting myself, at times...
That was too funny, I laughed so hard when I linked to the old post of The Rooster biting K's butt. Thank goodness there isn't anyone really here anymore at work, because they might have called the guys in the white coat and that funny jacket they bring for me.
The rest of this post was too much for me to handle, I have tears running down my face from laughter. Thank you I needed that.
BTW are you going to Blogher?
Hey, the Fart And Blame the Diapered People Ruse is a patented Dogma Family ploy! We instigated this maneveur upon realizing very few of our friends own dogs.
BTW, the Omega Man has taught our boys the phrase "I'm going to Alabama!" It has replaced the Harry Potter inspired expression, " I like a healthy breeze 'round my privates." Both were used liberally during our Sunday morning shortage of clean underpants.
LOL! That was hilarious! I dont know what part I liked better, your "air biscuit" or the "plucking of the avocados"??
I love it, "feed the baby"...and then she does...I hope she didnt make slurping sounds
Hee! Horizontal parenting! That's hilarious. Good to know there's a name out there for something I'm actually quite the pro at... ;)
Yeah, my 5 year old (how it pains me to call him a 5 year old!) still calls mine apples. I have no idea how it started, but he's called them apples forever. Boobs=apples.
Just plain awesome.
As a parent, I believe it is a god-given right to blame our fartyfarts on the children. At least until they can defend themselves.
Air biscuit?!
OMG. I love that.
Excellent parenting skills. You are my idol.
Love the horizontal parenting, used to practice that quite a bit myself! I once was so tired that I allowed my pre-schoolers to "give mommy a makeover." I lay there while little girls applied make-up all over my face and did my hair. Took me hours to get the knots out and wash the paint off but the rest was well worth it.
air biscuit? you is disgusting!
Another member of the horizonatal parenting club! Hooray! Years ago, when my son was 2, my MIL gave him a play tent. All he ever wanted to do, for hours and days on end, was play in the tent around me while I lay horizontal inside the tent, with my head on a pillow. Those were glorious days.
Hilarious! I love the horizontal parenting. It's great at the playground, too, if a little more odd. But nice when you can get a few others to join you.
I'm taking parenting skills from you....so on your back eh...hmm...remind me when i have a few! ;-)
I am SOOO jealous you got to have dinner at The Avery Lane Experience!
My daughter would have totally given me away: Mommy! Toot Toot!
More power to you for keeping it on the down low.
fat baby in a little stroller sounds a lot like fat man in a little coat.
I horizontal parent too, it's the new black.
Ooh, I love horizontal parenting! I will have to try that one out. Although being enormously pregnant these days, I may never get back up. Have you got a provision for that in the manual?
No way!! You believe in the Parental Horizontal Method too?? I thought we were the only members of that Not-So-Anonymous Club!
Hey better to be avacodo's than watermelons.
Marscaponing kids and their marscaponing games!
How did you manage to find a picture of the perfect avocado breastages! we've got find a word for breasts that has the same power as phallic 'cause i would have used it for that pic... next blog?
I thought my toddler had been to your playdate...Fat Baby strikes again! He is also (at age 2.5) very "avocado"-obsessed! And he only nursed for 4 months...what can I say--the girls are just that fabulous!
Hi, My name is SFM and I am a horizontal parent.
You can come play at my house anytime!
Omg, you are so funny!
heehee too funny.
Fat baby ate your avocados?
Dingos got my baby.
Can I just say we do horizontal parenting all the time, following your model, of course?
Just today Miss Baby reached down the front of my shirt and tried to rip the lace off my bra. Lovely.
Standing up is for suckahs.
Thanks to you, I've spit coffee on to my keyboard. Again. Fat Baby! Ha! And, this horizontal parenting really works - more people are bound to catch on.
OMG. Yes, you were so totally busted. That is hilarious!
Good lord, woman. This is hilarious.
I'm backtracking through your Horizontal Parenting Technique posts and can I just say that I am falling madly in love with you?
Madly.
I need to figure out a way to print out all of your posts in book form so I can lug it around with me. Being chained to the computer as I try to catch up on old Joy is really crap.
'a rather enormous (and quite fluffy) air biscuit (of the most smelly variety)' I have never known a fart to be described so beautifully.
I have meant to tell you a few times before how much I love this post of yours. Sooooooooo beautifully observed.
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